This is a letter to a friend who has, in the past six months, begun to ignore my very existence. I welcome your comments, especially pertaining to the questions at the end of the post.
To my once-friend…the one to whom I no longer exist:
I’m not writing this to you in anger. I’m not writing in the heat of the moment. I’m writing this because I am confused.
Purely and simply confused.
How could you, less than a year ago, claim that you were my “forever friend” and “soul sister,” and now, you look past me as if I am invisible and refuse to speak to me unless forced to do so?
I don’t understand how someone who claims to be a Christian could treat someone like this. Especially because I have already asked forgiveness and pleaded with you to tell me if I did anything wrong—anything that harmed our relationship.
And your answer was always the same: “No. It’s just me. Everything will be better, I promise.”
It’s only gotten worse.
I just don’t understand what made you change. And I don’t understand how you can continue to hold up this façade of sickly sweetness to others, but as soon as you see me across the room, your face tightens and you jerk your eyes away as if even my gaze can hurt you.
I didn’t want this to happen. I am utterly serious when I say that if I could reverse the calendar and go back eight or ten months and try again, I would.
Is it just easier to pretend I don’t exist? Does it make it easier to bear whatever guilt you feel?
You’ve changed so much…I don’t even know you anymore. The girl who was my dearest friend for a year hardly exists any longer.
I want you to know, I am healing.
I’m learning to forgive you for how deeply you hurt me. There are scars on my heart that will never disappear, but even now, they fade.
I just wonder how you can maintain a mask of “Christianity” while harboring so much bitterness and contempt in your heart.
Maybe someday I will understand.
Until then, I rest in my Lord’s embrace. He has carried me through this trial and will carry me onward.
My identity does not rest in your approval. It rests in His.
And, I am learning, His Love is all that truly matters.
Keaghan
Have any of you ever dealt with a friendship that died? How did you deal with it? I’m genuinely interested. This matter is weighing heavily on my heart and has been the cause of many tears and late nights.
And just so you all know, my personality type—ISFJ—is one that has a severe aversion to conflict of any type, as well as difficulty accepting that a relationship has ended. I should be the poster child for ISFJs. My deep-rooted dislike of conflict has led to much indecision on my part through this whole ordeal.
Thank you all for reading and being so encouraging.
(Title taken from How To Save A Life by The Fray)
10 comments:
Keaghan I know exactly what you are going through. I once had a freind that did and is still doing the exact same thing to me. The only advice I can give you is to either pray for them and try to talk it over with them or I am sorry to say but find new freinds.
Honorable and Respectfully,
Silent Running.
@Silent: I have been, and continue to pray for her. It definitely gives me some peace and helps me forgive.
I have tried talking the situation over with her, but it didn't change anything. It's a complicated situation...And I have begun to strengthen new friendships. Thanks for offering your encouragement.
I am there if you need me.
Honorable and Respectfully,
Silent Running.
@Silent: Thank you so much. I'm sorry that you're going through this too. It's not fair and it doesn't make sense. Thanks for being an encouragement. :)
I had a friend that I'd known for 15 years. We grew up together, seeing each other often. Then, over the past year, I suddenly realised that, while she was still my friend, I wasn't hers. She kept trying to pass me off onto other people, surrounding herself with a crowd of admiring people. I could never get close to her to talk. We talked once and she tried to make out it was my fault, that I was growing away. But I hadn't changed.
It hurt, and I cried over it. But I had other friends, one in particular, who wrote to me, and helped me. And I realised that I could get by without her, that my happiness didn't depend on her. And that it was ok to have other friends.
It's still hard to go in company with her, simply because she can be all sweetness andlight, then dump me at a moment's notice. I've had to adjust to that. I still find it hard to go somewhere where I know I'll be in company with her and her special group of friends. But I have other friends who have always been faithful and Ive just worked on building lasting friendships with them. My family's also helped a lot. I can go months without seeing anyone but my family and I can still be content.
I'm so sorry you are going through such a bad time. I hope and pray that things will get better for you soon.
Imogen
@Imogen: Wow, I know how that feels. And I've learned to accept that not everyone will like me. Which is a hard thing for me to learn, but a necessary one nonetheless.
Like you, I still find it tough to be around her while in groups, but it's getting easier. I'm determined to not let her keep me from being around my friends who still support and encourage me.
Thank you for your comment and your prayers. :)
~Keaghan
Oh dear Keaghan, my heart goes out to you.
The pain of loosing friends is awful especially if it's a best friend.
From about age 8 to 12 I lost all of my friends through various ways and means. We just all grew apart - and it hurt like mad. My best friend was in a popular click group and ignored me when I tried to talk with her treating me as if I was still very much a child - and I couldn't understand why. We had just started going to different churches and it was all through. I started making new friends at the new church but at age 12 thought some difficult family situations ended up staying home for almost a year so I could help take care of my mom and baby sister. When I came back late into my 13th year...all of my friends had changed and formed deep friendships that locked me on the outside. I would stand there in their circle listening to them talk and if I ever said something they looked at me is I was weird so I gave up. For over a year I had no friends - no friends I could trust a few backstabbers but no one I could really be that friend you want. Then I started going to a girls group where I met my best friend I have now :) We've been best friends for almost 10 years now... :D.
But I know that must be hard to hear. My heart breaks when I read your story. I hate conflict too. It drives me up a wall and drives me to worry and all kinds of things...but from what I have experienced, not that it's what you want to hear. I had to let go. WHICH IS THE HARDEST thing to do to a good friend. It's impossible to understand because we aren't created that way. It doesn't make sense how someone could act that way towards us. It hurts. For me personally I had to learn to let go and lean on God, He seemed to be the only person in the world that understood at the moment, and then He gave me the best friend that I could ever ask for. I've never dreamed that someone could have such a marvelous friend...I couldn't have DREAMED of a sweeter friend. But if I had been holding on to my old friendships - I would have never found this one sooo sweet and precious. God knows I need friends and He has brought some really amazing girls into my life because He knows my needs and my shape, and He loves me. But it took loosing and letting go to find something this precious.
I don't know what God wants you to learn but I know He loves you very much Keaghan and that He will use this for good in you life.
Praying that He will carry you through and bring insight, understanding and peace to your heart.
Jessica
@Jessica: Letting go is painful...but I'm learning that sometimes it must be done. This friendship is particularly hard to let go of because, at the beginning, we were both convinced we would be friends for the rest of our lives--we had so much in common! Then somewhere along the line, she started pulling away.
Thank you for sharing your story and being so encouraging. I know that God is holding me up and helping me through this.
~Keaghan
While I can't say I know exactly what you're going through, I can sympathize. Very much so. And I can send you millions of hugs and cookies over the Internet.
I am so sorry you're going through this right now. Any friendship lost is hard to bear. I have lost friends in the past due to them changing suddenly and drastically, and the hurt it brings is almost unbearable. I am so, so sorry. I think, though, something to take comfort in is that you /will/ heal. He will heal the wounds inflicted by this friend. And it may very well cause you to fall more and more on Him. Which is always a very good thing.
I hate conflict of any kind as well, so there again I sympathize very much with you. I'm the kind of person who cannot find rest until there is some sort of resolve of the conflict in my life -- it eats away at me and reduces me to tears otherwise.
So, I'm sorry if this was a long, rambly comment that lacked any sort of cohesion, but I wanted to let you know you are not alone. It is so hard to understand why these things happen sometimes, but when we have others by our side it doesn't seem so bad. I'm so sorry for all the hurt and confusion you are dealing with, and I'll be praying for you.
(And I dearly wish the hugs and cookies could be real.)
@Katie: Thank you so much for your sympathy. I know the healing has begun--it's just a slow process. I shared things with this friend I had never shared with anyone before. I opened up to her at a whole new level. Conflict is the bane of my existence...Something which can be a strength and a weakness, depending.
Thank you for the hugs, cookies, and prayers. :) They mean a lot.
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