What to say?
I want so badly for all of you to know me as I really am. I don't want to show you some glassy, photo-perfect ideal of who I am.
I want to be real.
But, most days, if you really saw me, you would see a girl--hardly deserving of the title of "lady"--who struggles with her own darknesses and sorrows.
Who is moody, shouts at her siblings, and harbors resentment toward the ones who hurt her.
Who knows loneliness and what it is to feel her heart shatter under the brutal blows of a friend with whom she shared her deepest dreams.
Who has felt deep grief for an aunt who was more like an older sister or grandmother, and a grandmother who was always on her team.
Who doesn't understand why the world isn't fair.
Who has scars on her heart that no one sees.
I want to be genuine.
But I don't want any of you to think that the above list is all there is to me--though somedays, it feels that way.
I have friends, dear friends who uplift me and hug me and tell me that I am funny, beautiful, sweet, godly, caring, and all the other things kindred spirits tell each other. They send me emails, texts, call me, and hug me when I need it the most.
I have a wonderful family who is always on my side, cheering for me and giving me a place to run to when I need it the most.
I have joy and happiness.
I have everything material I could ever need or want.
I have a Savior Who loves me with a wild love beyond all human reason.
I have a Heavenly Father Who cherishes me and holds me when I'm falling into pieces.
But my journey is far from over. There is so much more I must learn.
I hope you are all willing to join me on this journey.
The thunder in my life gets louder with each passing year. I can't let it drown out my voice.
Even when it means shouting against the driving rain.
Credit for the title of this post goes to MercyMe for their song "Beautiful."
7 comments:
That is a beautiful post :) I think it made me realize a few things :) I know I come off as very 'perfect' on the internet, but in real life I am everything but :) I'm a procrastinator with a bad temper... It's kind of like that song 'Online' by Brad Paisley-
I'm so much cooler online/So much cooler online
~Aila
That was beautiful, Keaghan. Being real is so hard. I don't know how many times I've looked around a group of people and wondered "If they knew the real me, would they even like me? If they could read my thoughts would they still tell me all these things? If they knew the darkness that sometimes hides in my soul, that haunts my shadow would they? Could they still like me?"
There are reason's God never gave us mind readers for other people, being genuine and real is a struggle, but one that is certainly worth your while. I know for years I struggled with being me (still do sometimes) Because I am really not like anyone else in my family and I felt if I was different that would hurt them. But it hasn't and I find myself so happy in being who I am (okay, most of the time there are days where I wish I wasn't so much myself that list of stuff you mentioned I could practically say verbatim.) But it's a skill, a discovery, a daily living and walking and you have been beautifully created by Christ to live a beautiful life, no matter how dark the clouds, how loud the thunder - He will always be the Whisper in the storm.
Have a lovely one Keaghan! God bless your day!
Jessica
@Aila: I know how you feel. :)
@Jessica: Wow, I feel like *I* could've written that comment. So very true.
Thank you both for your thoughtful comments!
~Keaghan
Well Keaghan no one is perfect execpt God. But That is not an exuse just a reason why we do flawed things. What you said about you not being a lady I for one think is completely untrue. You are one of the most lady like person I have ever met.
@Silent: Thanks. Your comments are always so encouraging. :) This one made me smile.
Wow. I felt a sort of pain inside while reading this -- a pain of recognition.
The thunder grows louder with every year... Oh. I get shaky when I think that, for it is so /exactly/ how I feel right now. The close of high school, the start of college, so many open plains, so many un-tread paths all looming in my future. Oh. That is so exactly how I feel.
Keaghan, thank you for this post. Thank you for sharing your feelings so openly. It was a blessing to read.
@Katie: I'm glad to know that others relate to it. Just like with Jessica's comment, I feel like I could have written your comment.
Post a Comment